About

You are here at this very moment with what little hope that you carry locked away deep inside of you. You may be standing on the edge with thoughts of ending it all, that you’re so tired of the pain, discouraged because you keep failing. You may be so scarred inside or outside that you believe you can’t be fixed or find peace. You may have lived horrors that you have to deal with alone. You may be depressed, angry, hurt, feel alone, jealously eats you alive, addictions hold you back from having the life God has waiting for you, rejection stifles every path that will lead to your one true God journey. You are right there, in Gods spotlight, hating him for the poor judgement you or others have made along your entire existence.

But wait, don’t go…. July 14, 2019

It was early Sunday morning, 3:30am to be exact, and there was the knock on my front door. I opened the door to my boss, the sheriff, and dad with their heads down. Honestly, it was the farthest concept from my mind. But I remember their heads down and, in the shadows, the sheriff’s white shirt and the shiny buttons. I remember my dad telling me to step back inside. I remember my husband getting up from the couch. I remember my dad telling me he’s gone, he’d shot himself. I remember putting my hands over my mouth and then nothing until the coroner arrived and him handing me a small biohazard bag with his wallet, cigarettes, flip lighter, pocketknife and some change. I remember sitting on the couch asking the coroner if he had suffered from the head wound. I was asked if I wanted to go and see him, but they said I declined. My dear friend came. I for some reason started making mimosas, wanted to go on a boat ride and proceeded to find bathing suits for each of us. Yes, we all three went and the dogs accompanied. I remember standing on the dock and feeling my phone vibrate and when I answered a voice said that they could not take his organs as it had been too long. And then I remember my phone being taken and my next memory was seeing my husband far away standing on a small island yelling we were too far out. We had a tube float and drinks in hand. I believe the dogs made their way out a few times and back. For the next day I remember nothing and no one. But I’m thankful for those that came and ministered to me. I remember hearing my baby boy, only nineteen years old, screaming for two weeks. I couldn’t make him better. I had fixed every scratch and every cut and every bump and bruise over his entire life. We could talk about anything and everything. But this one I couldn’t fix.

The funeral was planned, and it made me sick. His blood alcohol level was a .222 and a woman stood there and watched my baby pull that trigger to his black powder gun seven times before it went off. Anyone that has never lost a child can fully understand. But I now understand. Others can walk away from the grief, but I cannot. The sheer panic that floods through your mind and body when you imagine that one brief moment that your child did it is so great you want to vomit, and your mind tries to take you down more rabbit holes. You want to scream 24/7 but you are a civilized person and have to stuff it day after day, living with a pain that is unimaginable. And let’s just be real, no one wants to live in your world. So, a lot of people will fall away. Very few will stay.

So, why am I still here you may ask. I have had every intention of going to heaven after him. I was dead, I was empty, I was nothing but a puppet for a very long time. But in the twilight of those moments is where I heard him telling me, “Mama, don’t look down, look at me.” And when I had enough strength to ask God what he wanted me to do for him I heard my son tell me, “Mama, we have to heal you first.” So, I began to seek what was in front of me instead of what was behind me. And practice makes focus. This is where God begins to move mountains. There are always valleys to crawl through and shadows of death to fight. But when you learn who, what, why, where, when, and how; then you are able to put on the entire armor of God and know how to properly put the shadows of death in the grave they belong in. But a warrior will fight and won’t give up. And that is why I am still here. For the purpose I came here for. To learn who the true enemy is, to learn what it is he wants, to understand why he wants it, to understand the circumstances of when he will strike and to learn the many ways how he will try to take the most precious gift God has given us. This gift is your soul, your spirit, your peace in your mind, your finite time on earth and eternity with God. Satan wants to bring pain to God out of jealousy. You are that pawn and nothing more. Remember Satan does not value you. Satan wants to make you choose wrong. To give up all of eternity with our one true and first pure love. Your walk with God is yours and yours alone. So, let’s take a walk in God’s garden before you call it quits.